A spirit boy
or, a son that wasn't.
A spirit boy visited me once. An awesome being of light that entered my conscious awareness one day to make his presence known. He told me his name, showed me who he wanted his papa to be, and explained that he very much wanted to join us earthside. My love for him was instant, the connection profound, and an overwhelming happiness flooded every one of my senses at the prospect of welcoming him in.
But it wasn’t to be.
I told the would-be papa about this otherworldly visit, only to discover that spirit boy had visited him too. Had also told him his name. It was a marvel of synchronicity I hadn’t experienced before, a glimpse through an open doorway of the intertwining of souls before they reach earth. But happiness soon turned to sadness as Papa said no to spirit boy, and not long after, it was a no for me too. It wasn’t as simple as that, but that was the end result. The door closed, we went our separate ways, and spirit boy wouldn’t be coming through us.
I was blindsided by the intense pain that followed. It was a cataclysmic disturbance in the force that made little to no sense, and ordinary life, ordinary people held no answers for me. But in this despair, I remembered the place where all stories are told, where all secrets are hidden, the vast realm of the Akasha. And gently, this realm beckoned to me to sit softly, in the quiet of space and stillness of peace, to hear and to remember.
Spirit boy had been with me and the papa before, had known us before, and we had loved him and loved him and loved us, over and over again, lifetime after lifetime. This love was etched on my soul. But we had also lost him and us again and again. In more than one incarnation, darkness had found us and separated us, and in our last cycle, a gruesome death masterminded by dark magicians had been our fate. Spirit boy had been stolen from my belly in a way too macabre to revisit. Though I fought tooth and nail I had died in the thick of this theft. My last memory a searing pain of loss through heart and womb.
As I listened and heard our story, I finally understood. The feeling of loss in this life, was the completion of grief from that life.
Not only that, but it was only by re-experiencing it that it could be fully released.
I learned that when healing is interrupted in one life, circumstances will conspire to allow the healing trajectory to be completed in another, until balance is restored. In my case, another physical loss wasn’t necessary; sensible of the etheric world as I am, a spirit loss would do the job well enough.
Years later, when scars had loosened their grip and heartache echoed only softly, spirit boy returned. When he re-appeared he looked just like his would-be papa, crazy thick hair and bright eyes, but his smile was mine and he has my clairvoyant eye. He chose to march towards adulthood if not from me, then alongside me. A beautiful gift of Divine presence bringing a healing balm to any lingering sadness. As I pass my days in the material realm, he passes his in the etheric realm, with a bond as strong as it was on the day we met.
I wonder sometimes what the next life will bring. Perhaps I will hold him in my arms again? Perhaps I won’t. But I do know that the glorious adventure of soul connection will continue, as it does for all of us, creating the rich canvas of existence that we inhabit. A vast tapestry of soul family of loves and griefs and welcomes and losses that show use who we really are and what our life really is.